new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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