Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
