I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
They have beer where we have blood.
I need water and some morals
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
