I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
