He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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