Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
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