you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
