420 ftw
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
