You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
