I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
