I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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