and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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