are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
