Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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