She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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