fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize