I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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