worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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