its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
