Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
