life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize