i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
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