i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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