I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Randomize
