If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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