Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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