oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
