the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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