Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
