We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
