Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
