If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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