I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she told me i tasted like america
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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