I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
