I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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