Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
