I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
