did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
