Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
