if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
