My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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