I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
