I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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