Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
