I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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