I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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