AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
