i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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