I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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