Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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