we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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