when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We don't watch enough power rangers
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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