Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I am puke
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
