I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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