OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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