Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
