I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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