my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You are a genius and a whore.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
