After last night, I could never be a politician.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
