She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
