how can u be prego again
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
