I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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