I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
