He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
