You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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