She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
