So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
