There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
