i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
